cara mias

Her...

She left so many times. Just up and gone. Sometimes you knew, sometimes you didnt. Reminds me kind of like a rainbow. You know? Happy to see one but you never know quite how long its going to be there. So beautiful and yet sad because although you can see it, you never can quite touch it. There is a song that reminds me of her...

I remember blue skies

Where did you go?

I just turned around and you disappeared

But just like her, I can only remember bits and pieces of the song. What I remember most about her is her smell. The scent of her carefully applied cosmetics, the soft hint of smoke from the Marblos she keeps in her purse. To me it is one of the sweetest smells because it is her smell. Sometimes I will walk into a house of someone who smokes and that bittersweet smell will bring tears to my eyes.

She always has this sad smile about her. It kinda hits you in the heart and grasps your soul. Sometimes its so frustrating, wanting to see in her soul that is, because she wont let anyone in. There is some silly song that sings in my head,

Little bird, little bird why do you hide?

Sweet Nary let go of your pride

And please allow me inside

She is as flighty as that little canary, my mother is. Sometimes I want to scream and shout; where were you? Why? How could you? I hate you! I love you! I dont want you! I need you! I want to live! Id die for you!

Yet I say none of this because she is like a fragile glass rose to me. No matter how much I want to just scream, it would pierce through her heart and shatter her soul. So our roles are reversed. Like a child she looks to me for love and understanding, and like a mother with unconditional love I stand firm as a pillar of strength and bite my tongue so as not to scar this already scarred rose. Her petals have wears and tears and it would be cruel of me to be selfish and pluck the last of her petals from her stem of life

Nubes AzulesThere is so much on my mind these days its not really all that funny. Have you ever been put up to make a lot of decisions and at the same time try to figure out exactly what is it that you might not be seeing in the picture? I dont know how to explain it except that I feel like I am in a car enjoying a sweet country ride...kind of like this poem:

The wind blows gracefully across my skin

Softly twirling through my hair

Yet my thoughts are not here but there.

There is a gentle calm that rises with that whisper

And marinates my soul

With its sweet graceful dance and the wonder of its rhythm

Yet this ride doesnt stay serene and calm because at certain points in it, such as now, I feel as though Im losing control of the wheel. I feel like it is moving to fast for me to clearly see what's going on and like Im missing important pieces of information. It's surreal and nothing makes sense. And try as I might I cant change it. All of this makes me muy cansasda. Right now mi madrestra is upset because of me. I dont know how I feel, truthfully, I dont care. Part of me hates to see her distressed but another part is angry because I feel like she has invaded my privacy. I dont know why I relish at times in her distress. Maybe some childish part of me would like to punish her for not being my real mother. I dont knowor maybe a part of me wants to punish her because my real madre is not here or because I feel like she put me here. I dont know its sort of twisted ands sick. I can hurt her because she is strong but I cannot her my real mother because she is weak. Okay so its not exactly rightwell its not right at all and I pray to God to take away this twisted part of me sometimes I feel like this one poem I wrote

Im feeling all itchy, I can't sit still

This world I live in isnt even real

Im twisted, broken, bent inside

Full of things, Ive lost my pride

Turn me around, fix me still

My heart yearns for love, yet it can kill

Please find me my peace

This crazy madness has to cease

Like blood and chocolate my emotions drip to the ground

Sickly, sweet, I cry without sound

Too lazy to wash it away

But to afraid to let them stay

Please save me from me

And help me to see

I do love that lady, my stepmother, but yet something underlies that maybe its under toned in gray I don't know, all I know is that I do love her but I am angry because I do not belong to her nor she to me and I can not fully take part in what her children can. Somehow I dont quite fit in. I seem to have always felt like that though, not fitting in. maybe its because God deemed it that way. I dont fit into my family, I do not fit into my school, and I dont even fit into my race, Black-Asian or to be more specific, black Korean. It doesnt particularly bother me all the time, only when I am losing or have lost control of the wheel.

Anyway I have a lot of broken friendships but Im not too concerned. It bugs me that people today are not mature enough to know what true friendship really is, people are so smart yet so stupid. True friendship is accepting someone for their good and bad points, for understanding that they make mistakes. I once read a proverb out of some book called friendship... it said,

A true friend is someone who understands all about your past, knows about your present and accept you for who you are today.

Maybe the quote isnt exactly right but the point is clear. There are so few people in the world willing to accept each other for who we are. To me no matter who or what you are, or for that matter what you did or do it is never too horrible where you cant be forgiven or accepted. Who am I to say that you are terrible for your mistakes when I very well make them my self? Does this not make me hypocritical? I would like to think so. The way we think is messed up, this is true of everyone, I believe.